I was back on the road today. I was in New Haven train station bright and early, ready to get a train to Philadelphia when I suddenly got some strong Katie emotions. I had never been to the train station with Katie, so I couldn’t figure out the source of my nostalgia. Then it hit me as I made my way down the escalator to the train. It was late September 2007 when I informed my parents that Vickie was pregnant and that they were going to be grandparents for the first time. I was standing in the New Haven train station, awaiting a train to Philadelphia! I vividly remember pacing back and forth that day, excitedly telling my parents the news. It’s amazing to think of the cycle we’ve had since then. I boarded the train today as I did a year and a half ago- a husband but not a father. Like then, I am filled with emotions, but instead of hope and uncertainty about who and what my son or daughter will be like, I am packed with memories and unequivocal sureness that I was the father of an angelic little Munchkin.
Sometimes in life I get frustrated by uncertainty, but as I reflected on today’s incident I came to the conclusion that uncertainty, regardless how daunting, always has an element of hope or positivity. The very nature of uncertainty is not knowing the course of impending events. Today, I have no uncertainty or anxiety about Katie’s future. It is with the greatest definition and clarity that I can say that her path on earth is determined. So the next time you are uncertain, remember that one of the possibilities is positive. It’s tough, and almost “Dr Phil-esque” but from my vantage point today, I would welcome some uncertainty…or hope for Katie.
That being said, the past couple of days of coping with Katie’s loss have been slightly easier. I am so thankful that her pain is gone. As I look back on pictures (the ones that weren’t posted!) I am so grateful that she doesn’t have to feel the pain that you could visibly see etched across her face in so many images. So while I miss the hope of a healthy and happy life for my daughter, I don’t miss the pain and misery that she undeservedly endured. I know it sounds almost contradictory, and in some ways I suppose it is. That’s why this isn’t easy, isn’t clear, and probably never will be.
January 6, 2009 at 9:18 pm
After reading your words over and over; you are right….”this isn’t easy, isn’t clear, and probably never will be”……peace be with you, Dawn’s Mom
January 6, 2009 at 9:48 pm
alan.. i am always amazed by your insight and the beautiful way you express it in words… easy is a word that shouldn’t be said in the same sentence with life.. it is not easy to be human here on earth. it is not easy to figure out the why’s and how’s and where’s and when’s we ponder in our lives. you are doing an admirable job of slogging through the great mysteries surroundung katie’s little bit of life here with us… the uncertainlty and doubts and the lack of answers will reamin constant in this life. there is no clairty. you have faith on your side which can help support you through the difficult times.. the joy of knowing all the answers awaits us in the forever. until then, you are a husband and father that loves with all his heart. that love will be returned to you and will sustain you until you have katie in your arms again. i think that you and vickie are amazing. period.
January 7, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Thinking of you lots….
January 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Alan and Vickie, I’ve been sitting at Rudy’s bedside this morning contemplating the “uncertainty” of the coming year in the life of our family, catching up on your blog entries and very much appreciating this post!! Thank you, friends, for the pictures into your world you paint so eloquently. I’m thinking of you today, Trish
January 7, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Not sure what words to share with you. So many people prayed for Katie, some you knew and so many you will never meet. There is power in prayer, and I believe that. But then children, like Katie, are taken from loving families, and I feel the doubt and uncertainty creep in. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t feel blessed to have Nick, and at that same moment I ask “Why?” Why Nick? Why Jack? Why Katie? Why similar in so many ways, yet so different?
So I guess tonight, although I didn’t think I had any words to share, I guess I want you to know that I share some of your frustrations and so many of your questions. You continue to be in my prayers.