Thursday personified a day of muddled emotions. It was 5 months since Katie passed away. It was the day that Rudy finally got to go home from the hospital. It was the day that Jack has his 3rd surgery. I can’t even begin to describe the range of feelings that I had. I was desperately missing my little girl. I was celebrating Rudy’s major accomplishments. I was both nervous and excited for the journey little Jack was beginning.
Fast forward to Saturday. Rudy is still at home with his family. Jack is recovering from his surgery with style and grace. And us, well, we’re learning to adjust to life without Katie. One of the predominant but not particularly valuable thoughts that has been sidetracking me lately is the notion that in a couple of weeks my Munchkin will have been gone longer than she was here. For no valid reason, I have thought about that day a significant amount. I don’t know why. I just don’t like that reality.
The other thought that made me chuckle today was the rant I used to go on with my team all year long. I used to tell them that I thought kids from Milford were soft. The team I coach is filled with polite, well-rounded young men who their parents should be very proud of. However, as basketball players they sometimes lacked the fight and conviction that I would have liked to see from them. I had this whole theory that middle class children are so sensitized to “being nice” and “playing nice” that they didn’t know how to adjust to the competitive environment of an athletic arena. Jack F. is showing me that kids from Milford ARE as tough as nails. They can still be polite and play nice. In his case, they can even be as cute as could be, but the determination that this little boy has is remarkable. Two days after surgery he is sitting in a chair drinking juice. He is saying please and thank you to his caregivers. Give me a break! He is another true tough guy with a million dollar smile and a sparkle is his eyes.
This world is a mess. We have unreasonable wars, unspeakable inequities, and unjustifiable stresses. There are saddening events that make us all question humanity…even perhaps question the greater good that exists. Then there are the stories of Rudy’s arrival home and Jack’s response to his surgery, and hope is restored. I don’t want to be a heart dad. I never wanted Katie to be a CHD kid. I didn’t want labels and stigmas. Now, instead of negative connotations I see all of these children as sources of inspiration. I see their families as friends, allies, an people who just might understand me.
One thing is for certain…the world continues to turn and we never know which direction it’s going to take us!
Happy Easter everyone.
April 12, 2009 at 8:33 am
As I talked with my 13 yr. old grand daughter, as a teenager says”its not fair”, I reminded her……how many times I told her Uncle and Mom…”who said Life is Fair”, as I don’t think of it the same way as a 13 yr. old thinks………I guess at this point, I wouldn’t want her to think of it as I do………Bless you and your family, we continue to think and pray for you, as we do for Rudy, Jack and all our HLHS Familes……Nick’s Grandma
April 12, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Amen! While none of us fully understands the other’s position, we understand more than many people. And while having a child with HLHS is surely not something anyone would choose, not even something you would “wish on your worst enemy” it’s something that happens. At times we feel helpless, crippled and hopeless, but those are the times that heart families and friends can provide support. And we won’t ever leave you. Even though Katie is watching her heart dad from upon, we are here and will be here now and in the future for whatever support you and Vickie need.
Prayers for Peace this Easter Day
April 15, 2009 at 8:36 am
Still here, still praying for all those in need. Still amazed in the wonder of “Katie”.
April 16, 2009 at 6:49 am
peace be with you…..you remain in our thoughts and prayers……Nick’s Grandma