Anyone who enjoys working out or exercising knows about the “good kind of pain.” You are at the pinnacle of a great workout, you’re breathing hard, and the burn excites you. When you are out of shape, tired, or not in the mood, that same burn is the most vile and miserable feeling known to the exercising man. Life in mourning is the same. This week has been filled with the “good kind of pain.” Katie’s absence is still difficult to come to terms with, but instead of anger or sadness, this week I’ve felt great pride in the life my daughter lived, the impact that she had, the legacy that she left, and the freedom she now feels from suffering.
As I travelled the country this week I saw people of all shapes and sizes. As I travelled the country this week I saw Katie in all things beautiful. I feel like I met more Katie’s (literally), saw more beautiful little children, and interacted with more genuinely nice people than I ordinarily do. I still wish my roadtrip this week was a time where I was itching to get home to my 11 month old daughter, but it wasn’t, and it’s not going to be. Thankfully, the absence of Katie in body did not impact the presence of Katie in spirit.
My peaceful week was capped off by a moving experience at church tonight. I literally felt like Katie was with me. I refuse to bring religion into this forum. I have my thoughts and you have yours- my aim is not to be devisive. All I know is that this weekend I am celebrating Easter (Orthodox…remember!), and the events in the church have never made more sense or resonated so much.
A couple of weeks back I remember thinking about Katie’s loss as “our little tragedy.” While it has changed my world, I don’t want to selfishly use the events of my life to dictate my relationships with others. I speak of Katie freely, but I don’t want to use our loss as a source of conversation or sympathy. Regardless, I feel that my newfound recognition that this is our tragedy has made it easier. We ALL will come face to face with tragedy. We ALL can choose how we want to cope with the situations that we are placed into. All I know is that the sun will come up tomorrow. I am going to be thankful for that fact. I am going to live life to the fullest, with a smile on my face, and my munchkin in my heart.
April 18, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Reading your post right after reading Rudy’s update. It is certainly amazing that both of you said basically the same thing…live life to the fullest…don’t sweat the small stuff…everyone has some burden or tragedy to bear. I am so thankful that I learned this lesson years ago, when we were surrounded by babies in need of miracles. I recall a time that we roomed with a boy getting his tonsils out…the heartache that his mother was feeling was difficult for me to comprehend. I thought angrily, “My two year old has a “broken heart” and you’re crying over tonsils?” And then I realized that it doesn’t matter what the medical procedure is, it’s all about love and wanting to protect your child. You and Vickie did that for Katie. You loved her to the fullest. You protected her from what was within your control. You helped her to smile through difficult times. Rest easy today knowing that you helped Katie live her life to the fullest and to enjoy the days she shared with you. Now it’s your job to find Katie’s spirit in life around you.
Continued prayers for peace.
April 19, 2009 at 12:17 am
what a beautiful post Dawn…I have no words to add except Happy Easter and continued moments of peace to you and Vickie and your family – Katie is with you always – Much love xxx
April 19, 2009 at 10:44 pm
If I could only write like Dawn……how true; it is all about love and protecting the ones you love……we can’t always protect them OR make them all better……but….the love is and always will be there……..Dawn’s Mom, Nick’s Grandma…..{the circle of love}
April 26, 2009 at 9:11 pm
i wish i could gather all the people i love and put them in a totally safe and secure place where no harm would come to them…a perfect world where there is no sickness, no sadness, no pain… a place where love is all encompassing.. a place of no worry or anxiety… a beautiful and perfect place. everyone would want to be there and to take all those they love there with them…. i can’t seem to find this place. i see glimpses of it every once in awhile but it is a feeling, not a tanglible thing… i do know someone who lives there though. i feel her and see glimpses of her in all that is beautiful. especially today. in the brillance that was the sunshine and the beginnings of all that grows beautifully in our spring world. she is the essence of perfection, beautiful and peaceful and healthy and strong , free from pain and suffering. katie our beautiful angel is the glimpse of all that is good about our world and the hope of what is to come when we find our way to her place of angels. missing you katie on this beautiful day. you are never far from the loving thoughts and prayers we send your way… alan and vickie.. i realize how difficult these days are and more so as we approach katie’s birthday next month… always here always praying and loving you both. hoping you find the beauty all around you the reminder of how precious and perfect katie’s life was in spite of her damaged heart….
April 27, 2009 at 7:42 am
you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers, Dawn’s Mom