Happy Birthday Sweet Pea

Dearest Katie,

It’s coming up to midnight, which means it’s almost May 19th, and I wanted to be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday! The first time I held you I promised you that I’d always do my best to protect you, teach you, and be truthful to you. As it turns out, protecting you was difficult, you taught me more than I could ever teach you, but I have been able to be honest with you. And speaking honestly, I never thought I’d be sitting here tonight, alone, thinking about what might have been, wondering how your personality would have evolved. Daily I wonder how you’d have grown since we last saw each other. I envision you crawling down the hallway, giggling, Mommy chasing behind you. And while we never were able to share these moments, I hope you feel that type of happiness as you rest peacefully tonight.

This weekend someone told me that “enough was a little more than what we currently have.” I think that’s true, because I don’t think I could ever get enough of you. While I have a lifetime of memories from the time we spent together, I always want more. Now that I have to settle for memories, I can never get enough of those either. And Munchkin, the best part…whether it’s a thought of a moment we shared or a mention of your name, my first reaction is always a smile. Sure, I get very sad. I miss you, and I always will miss you, but I would much rather bask in the warm memories of what we had instead of the cold thoughts of why our time was cut so short.

I suppose it all comes down to want and need. As a father, all I ever needed was for you to be safe, happy, and free from pain. I truly believe that on the eve of your first birthday you are as safe as you could be, as happy as is heavenly possible, and free from all of the physical burdens that challenged you while you were with us. So my needs as a father have been met. My tears and sadness are for my wants. I wanted to help create your safety, share in your happiness, and protect you from pain. Now, I just have to settle for the knowledge that you are getting everything you ever needed or wanted. My role is to be thankful that my daughter, my angel, is getting what she deserves.

During many of your tough days I  told you to “just do your best” and that we would understand if you had to let go. I never tried to put pressure on you to serve my wants. Tonight, that changes. Tomorrow, you are going to be a big girl, 1 year old, and I need you to do me a special favor. In December you will become a big sister, and I want you to do everything you can to look over your little brother or sister. I know you will still be a great big sister. You may not be here to play your part, but I know you will support and care for your new family member with the same sweet spirit that you lived. I need you to know this tonight- while you may not be here in body; you are and always will be here in spirit. We carry your beautiful memory in our hearts and we will share our fondest memories of you with our next gift from God.

Happy Birthday Katie. Mommy and Daddy love you….inside, outside, upside down.

You’re my hero.