It may seem odd, but at no time during Katie’s life did I ever ask her or tell her to “fight harder”. Tonight, I sat and looked at pictures of Katie’s life, and for the first time I was struck by the number of hospital pictures we had, and in turn, the reality that was ours for those months. Yet, with all the machines, all the uncertainty, I never asked my daughter to try harder. Tonight, that hit me.
It wasn’t a concious effort not to ask her or want her to give it her all. I suppose it was an assumption I made about my Munchkin that she would give it everything she had at all times. As I looked at those pictures tonight I was torn…wishing she was here, thankful she is gone. I wish my one year old daughter would be here for the upcoming father’s day, and every other day for that matter, but as I looked at those pictures tonight I thanked God that my little angel was free from pain. With every passing day I think I see the pictures that we have a little bit more clearly. As my reality shifts, I see her weakened condition more readily. I am thankful for what we had, thankful for her peace, but miserable with the knowledge that Katie’s story couldn’t have a different ending.
(And before someone else says it, I know Katie’s story hasn’t ended since her legacy has and will live long beyond her last breath. However, when I got up this Sunday morning I couldn’t dress my little Munchkin for church, or take her for a walk at the beach, or even feed her for that matter. )
The past couple of weeks have been quiet. Life is progressing as we knew it would…or had to. We are very excited to be parents again in December. We are filled with hope for a healthy addition to our family. We are grateful for the 6 amazing months we spent with our oldest child. We continue to talk openly about Katie’s life. So are things getting easier? I think we understood the answer to that question very early on- NO. I miss Katie so much. The only thing is, I am getting more accustomed to this pain, this void, this change. I am different. We are different. It’s different.
Much thanks to each of you for your continued support of our family. Who knows when I’ll write again…maybe tomorrow…maybe next month.
