It may seem odd, but at no time during Katie’s life did I ever ask her or tell her to “fight harder”. Tonight, I sat and looked at pictures of Katie’s life, and for the first time I was struck by the number of hospital pictures we had, and in turn, the reality that was ours for those months. Yet, with all the machines, all the uncertainty, I never asked my daughter to try harder. Tonight, that hit me.
It wasn’t a concious effort not to ask her or want her to give it her all. I suppose it was an assumption I made about my Munchkin that she would give it everything she had at all times. As I looked at those pictures tonight I was torn…wishing she was here, thankful she is gone. I wish my one year old daughter would be here for the upcoming father’s day, and every other day for that matter, but as I looked at those pictures tonight I thanked God that my little angel was free from pain. With every passing day I think I see the pictures that we have a little bit more clearly. As my reality shifts, I see her weakened condition more readily. I am thankful for what we had, thankful for her peace, but miserable with the knowledge that Katie’s story couldn’t have a different ending.
(And before someone else says it, I know Katie’s story hasn’t ended since her legacy has and will live long beyond her last breath. However, when I got up this Sunday morning I couldn’t dress my little Munchkin for church, or take her for a walk at the beach, or even feed her for that matter. )
The past couple of weeks have been quiet. Life is progressing as we knew it would…or had to. We are very excited to be parents again in December. We are filled with hope for a healthy addition to our family. We are grateful for the 6 amazing months we spent with our oldest child. We continue to talk openly about Katie’s life. So are things getting easier? I think we understood the answer to that question very early on- NO. I miss Katie so much. The only thing is, I am getting more accustomed to this pain, this void, this change. I am different. We are different. It’s different.
Much thanks to each of you for your continued support of our family. Who knows when I’ll write again…maybe tomorrow…maybe next month.
June 14, 2009 at 10:44 pm
You all continue to be on our minds and in our hearts. It’s amazing that a little girl, here for such a short time, could tug at a stranger’s heartstrings the way Katie has done to me and so many others. Our thoughts and prayers will continue to follow you, when you write and when you don’t.
June 15, 2009 at 10:35 am
I can only ditto the above message. Continued good wishes and prayers for the future. love, Aunt Barbara
June 15, 2009 at 8:51 pm
hello mannings
I continue to pray and think of all the wonderful work you both do in Katies name and for the other children afflicted with HLHS. You are strong sweet caring parents and I feel blessed that I know you. I love you both Liz
June 15, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Smile when you can.
Cry when you need to.
Talk when you want.
We are all still here!
June 15, 2009 at 9:41 pm
We are all still here! Think about you two often.
Hugs!
June 16, 2009 at 10:29 am
people who wish for a girl or boy, my thoughts are always..pray for a healthy baby, as I do for the two of you, we do are best no matter what, as we know Katie did, also. As Nick will be heading for Boston this weekend and we pray for him……we continue to pray that someday there is no more HLHS and families will not have to go through such pain. Peace be with you and your family, Dawn’s Mom
June 19, 2009 at 10:25 pm
everyday that we travel along our unknown paths, i am reminded of how much we really don’t know and how very little control ( if any) we have in our lives. when you really think about it, you can be paralyzed with fear. step out the door today?? riding the rails, the bus a plane or 95… is it your day, your time ,your end?? a phone call could change your life…or that of a loved one.. life is fragile. so fragile. if you are given today, it is a gift worth treasuring, nobody’s promised tomorrow and certainly, today will be gone never to return again…
katie’s life was so fragile and yet your love as her parent was strong in it’s resolve and firm in your belief that katie would fight to live. and so she did, and so did you and vickie. never giving up until you knew it was time for her to rest and be at peace, free from pain. even though we know all of this, we are reminded so often that katie’s presence is no longer with us. her physical being, that beautiful little girl, is not with us. does this realization ever become easier to live with?? of course not. it can never be easier to live without someone you loved and whom with you fought so valiently to save from her pain and suffering… but alan, take heart in this.. even though it will never get “easier”, you will also never lose katie again. she lives in your heart and soul and in all the memories and the loving thoughts you have of her. the physical seperation is over but the emotional one never will be.so as we go through our days having no control over what the future holds, you will always have one thing that is constant.. your love for your darling daughter and a place in your heart that belongs only to katie.
June 21, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Happy Father’s Day, Alan
July 5, 2009 at 7:12 am
continue to think of you; only some would understand how you and Rudy’s family have touched our lives, Bless You, Nick’s Grandma
July 13, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Time goes one, continue to think of you………Nick’s Grandma