It has been very difficult to figure out what to write over the past month. There has been so much emotion, and I haven’t been able to translate those emotions into words. I told many of you before that I was nothing more than the reporter of Katie’s beautiful life, and I am proving that right now! Constipated is the only way to describe my thoughts. There is no fluidity, no consistency, little coherence. I suppose life is really a series of moments strung together, and the last month is testiment to that.
Katie’s headstone was placed- it’s beautiful, but it’s so final! I’m very satisfied that the headstone “fits” the location. I am glad that Katie’s life is appropriately honored, but crushed by the irrevocability of the situation.
We found out we are having a boy and it’s NOT a hypoplast!- I’m happy it’s a boy b/c I couldn’t help but feel that having a girl right now would be too big a diapar to fill (shoes didn’t seem to work). I’m obviously delighted that the baby is not a hypoplast, but we’re not out of the congenital heart defect woods yet. The sad thing is, my view of healthy is now very skewed. A simple hole in the heart would be a bargain (I don’t want the baby to have one, but if that’s all they’d have to deal with, it wouldn’t be too harsh). Twisted, right?
Some college friends got married- it was amazing to reminisce about the glory days and fill in the gaps of the last couple of years. It was a surreal fusion of past and present- we’re all still goofy, but now there are a slew of life experiences that lay in our wake and invariably impact our present…love, loss…
Overall, I feel like my sense of being is off-kilter. As we graduallyadjust to our future as parents who’ve unfairly lost a child, I am also learning…or fighting the reality that while the world is still the same, everything is different. Everything is different because I see it differently. My idealism is tempered. I’m not jaded, but there is certainly a twist or variation to my opinions, my priorities…my life.
Life is good. We are filled with hope and love for the baby boy we hope to meet in December. We are excited to celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary this weekend. We appreciate the love we hold in our hearts for our wonderful daughter. We are infinity grateful for the time we had to share with her. We are forever scarred by feeling of loss when she left. Everything is as it is, perhaps not how it should be or how we’d exactly want it to be. We are living again…(ab)normally.
