It has been very difficult to figure out what to write over the past month. There has been so much emotion, and I haven’t been able to translate those emotions into words. I told many of you before that I was nothing more than the reporter of Katie’s beautiful life, and I am proving that right now! Constipated is the only way to describe my thoughts. There is no fluidity, no consistency, little coherence. I suppose life is really a series of moments strung together, and the last month is testiment to that.
Katie’s headstone was placed- it’s beautiful, but it’s so final! I’m very satisfied that the headstone “fits” the location. I am glad that Katie’s life is appropriately honored, but crushed by the irrevocability of the situation.
We found out we are having a boy and it’s NOT a hypoplast!- I’m happy it’s a boy b/c I couldn’t help but feel that having a girl right now would be too big a diapar to fill (shoes didn’t seem to work). I’m obviously delighted that the baby is not a hypoplast, but we’re not out of the congenital heart defect woods yet. The sad thing is, my view of healthy is now very skewed. A simple hole in the heart would be a bargain (I don’t want the baby to have one, but if that’s all they’d have to deal with, it wouldn’t be too harsh). Twisted, right?
Some college friends got married- it was amazing to reminisce about the glory days and fill in the gaps of the last couple of years. It was a surreal fusion of past and present- we’re all still goofy, but now there are a slew of life experiences that lay in our wake and invariably impact our present…love, loss…
Overall, I feel like my sense of being is off-kilter. As we graduallyadjust to our future as parents who’ve unfairly lost a child, I am also learning…or fighting the reality that while the world is still the same, everything is different. Everything is different because I see it differently. My idealism is tempered. I’m not jaded, but there is certainly a twist or variation to my opinions, my priorities…my life.
Life is good. We are filled with hope and love for the baby boy we hope to meet in December. We are excited to celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary this weekend. We appreciate the love we hold in our hearts for our wonderful daughter. We are infinity grateful for the time we had to share with her. We are forever scarred by feeling of loss when she left. Everything is as it is, perhaps not how it should be or how we’d exactly want it to be. We are living again…(ab)normally.
July 16, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Abnormality Is living life! Your doing great thanks for sharing life as it is for you.
July 16, 2009 at 8:11 pm
It’s wonderful to hear an update from you… I think about Katie and your family often. I am excited to hear the news of your beautiful baby boy on the way -I hope you’ll share many his wonderful stories with us.
July 16, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I love reading your updates and am beyond thrilled that you guys are going to be parents again. Little Boys are alot of fun. I am happy it must be very hard to be excited about a new life when still living with the loss of katie. I cant imagine what that is like. I know she will watch over him always. lots of love Liz
July 17, 2009 at 7:40 am
As I check in almost everyday(as I do on Rudy) it was good to read your words and feel with you; your feelings. The word normal sure changes its meaning in a HLHS family. So happy you are having a baby boy, prayers will continue for a healthy baby, bless you, Vickie and your family and give you much needed strength, Dawn’s Mom
July 17, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Happy Anniversary! Hope you have a great weekend celebrating.
I’m sure the past month has been filled with quite a range of emotion from finding out the baby has four working chambers in his heart to seeing sweet Katies headstone. It is no wonder that you might be feeling a bit off kilter. You both have had to deal with so much emotion over the past year, and many times they have been strong conflicting emotions all at the same time.
As you get on with life (ab)normally….remember that there are so many people out there that are inspired by your strength as individuals and as a couple.
I am so happy to hear about little boy Manning that is on the way!!!
July 17, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Have a great anniversary!
I just read something that I thought was cute….God is not like an ATM machine, where you punch in the right prayer codes and receive what you requested within 24 hours…We all have to wait and learn to trust. God often works the most when we see it and feel it the least.
God is working wonders in your lives and Katie is watching over that little baby boy. Be patient, try to enjoy some moments between now and December….it will soon be here!
July 19, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I’m convinced that there is no “normal”…It’s an illusion.
It reminds me of the Beatles line… Life is wht happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
August 27, 2009 at 7:45 am
just thinking and hoping everything is going better for you, check in often……as we continue to think of Katie……bless you, Nick’s Grandma